The Terrorists Seize an Amunrud Judge

 

             No true threat intended, this is constitutionally protected comment on public policy.

    Seriously, we do not actually advocate that anyone perform the actions described in this fictional story!  I mean, nobody ever claimed Agatha Christie advocated murder when she wrote about hypothetical murders!

    Why don't you believe us when we say this?

    Oh yeah.  You don't believe us when we say we are unable to pay our child support arrearages, and you ignore RCW 26.09.170(1) which prohibits modification of arrearages, while finding that we have constitutionally sufficient due process where we can ask for modification if we are unable to comply with our support orders, just cannot ask for modification of the arrearages.

    Which, of course, is what the license suspensions under RCW 74.20A.320 are based on!

    The way you guys see it, a mile is 5,280 feet for everyone else, but for us, it is infinity.  We can never complete the distance necessary to prove our case.

 

            Imprisonment for Child Support is not Imprisonment for Debt prohibited by Article I Section 17, it is imprisonment for violating a court order!  State ex rel Daly v. Snyder decision.

 

            But let us get on to the completely fictional story which is our comment on the Amunrud decision of December 27, 2004.

 

            News reports out of Seattle are sketchy so far, but it appears that at least one of the judges who made the Amunrud decision was kidnapped by Islamist terrorists.  However, Iman Ali Ali Oxen Fre denies that this group of kidnappers are Islamic.

    "I tried to speak with them on the telephone the police gave me.  First, I addressed them in Arabic.  They responded in English: 'Knock off the gibberish!'  Then I asked them what the Five Pillars of Islam are.  You know what their answers were?"

    "Yeah," they said "Truth, Justice, and the American Way, and I, uh, forget the other two."

    "Well, uh, you have to admit that Truth and Justice are sort of there, if you consider them part of the Pillar of Faith.  American Way, well, depends on what you call American Way.  Most Americans do not go on the pilgrimage to Mecca, one of the Pillars, and would not be allowed to on account they are not Muslims.  Now I understand that the Islamist terrorists do not exactly follow the teachings of Islam, what with killing the British-Iraqi woman, Mrs. Hasan, who spent her life doing the Pillar of Almsgiving helping poor Iraqi people.  And we all agree that neither is flying hijacked aircraft into office buildings full of people consistent with Islam.  But at least those who do these things can speak Arabic, and know what the Five Pillars of Islam are, however much they misinterpret the duty of jihad, which, incidentally, is outside the Five Pillars.  So I don't believe this batch are Muslims.  I conclude, as the police do, that these are actually a bunch of pissed off Americans who are not Muslim."

 

    You think Islamic terrorists are bad, pissed off Americans can be even worse!

 

    The judge was brought into a room before a masked terrorist, who was also wearing a judicial black robe.  "Good morning Your Honor," greeted the masked terrorist, "I trust you have been treated well?"

    "Treated well!  I have been abducted, blind folded, beaten, and locked in a cell with no food or water and had no place to pee!"

    "Hmmm.  That would explain the awful smell when you came into this room.  I take it you have recently been through a process you find to be extremely abusive, unfair, serving no apparent purpose, and so on and so on."

    "Yes!  That is putting it mildly!"

    "Hmmm.  We kinda understand how you feel.  You believe you have been arrested and imprisoned for no apparent reason?"

    "ARRESTED!  I was kidnapped by a bunch of thugs behaving criminally!"

    "Arrested.  Kidnapped.  What's the difference?  It is all the same. I mean, if you are arresting someone with the intent to place or return to a condition of peonage, that IS behaving criminally!  Therefore, the deputy sheriffs who do that ARE a bunch of thugs behaving criminally! We can certainly empathize with you, Your Honor.  We actually have some idea as to how you feel!"

    "Well you have a duty to support your children."

    "And you have a duty to be faithful to the law, says so right here, Canon 3(A)(1), and to maintain professional competence in it.  It says down here, at subsection (5), that judges shall perform their judicial duties without bias or prejudice!"

    The entire room broke up in raucous laughter.

    The masked terrorist in the judicial robe began again.  "I take it that you were not allowed to go out and drive your car anywhere you want since yesterday afternoon?"

    "No, I have not been allowed to drive my car anywhere I want since yesterday afternoon." replied the Judge sarcastically.

    "Yeah, we kinda know how you feel!  Doesn't everybody here?"

    "Yeah, we do!"  More laughter.

    "Well, one of our concerns, Your Honor, is jeesh! Do you actually SIGN these decisions that come out of the Court of Appeals with your name on them?  You have to admit, that to 4th graders who pass the Basic Skills Test, some of these decisions with your name on them, make as much sense as the Queen in Alice in Wonderland!  She believes five impossible things before breakfast!  This Amunrud decision, I mean, really, talk about believing impossible things!  Did you actually sign your name to that?"

    "Yes I did sign my name to that!"

    "You know, I actually believe you.  But we need to verify that.  So our little Court here, gives you a very simple, reasonable order.  I mean, you seem comfy with US being arrested to be placed or returned to a condition of peonage, what with child support set at patently unreasonable levels where compliance is patently impossible, even a kid who FLUNKED the Basic Skills Test could see that, but no matter.  As long as we can have a hearing where we can plead impossibility of compliance, that is sufficient, we are not entitled to any decision based on REALITY, now are we?  So, now that we arrested YOU to place into OUR condition of peonage, if you will, service or labor in liquidation of any obligation we arbitrarily impose upon you, well, what we have to ask is quite simple, easy and reasonable."

    "What have you in mind?"

    "This Court, a common law Court, if you will, ad hoc in its establishment, shucks, we are making this up as we go along, as you can see, and we freely admit, orders you to sign your name six times.  This way, we can compare your signature with the signature on the Amunrud decision, and verify that they match.  Can you do that?"

    "Sure, if I have a pen and paper."

    "Then go get a pen and paper."

    "Am I free to go so I can go purchase a pen and paper?"

    "Of course not.  You just have to find that pen and paper within your cell.  You should have no problem there."

    "But what if I cannot find a pen and paper and no one will supply me with such materials?"

    "If that comes to pass, you can plead that at your next hearing.  This hearing is over, take the judge back to the cell."  With that, the terrorist in the black robe banged his gavel.

   

    The next day, police still unable to even guess where the hostage is being held, the judge was brought back into the same room with the same black robed terrorist.  "Good morning, Your Honor, I trust you have had a pleasant evening?"

    "No!  I was locked in the same cell with no food or water, and I could only pee a little bit.  When am I going to get any food or water?"

    "I can assure you, Your Honor, we have every bit as much concern for your ability to obtain food and water necessary for your survival and comfort as has been shown for US by yourself and by your fellow judges.  And you know something?  We can empathize with how you feel!  There is nothing like having a full time job with a decent income, watching your fellow employees brag about their new cars and their new houses, while you cannot even afford to pay rent on a cheap studio apartment anywhere within 100 miles of Seattle!  All because the double whammy of the support order based on the horrible support schedule combined with the federal income tax laws that deny deduction of child support paid from taxable income or even the personal exemptions for the children who are supposed to be supported this way!  Understand this, Your Honor, we have as much concern for your rights, and your basic needs as you and your fellow judges have shown for US!  By the way, have you provided us with the six samples of your signature?"

    "No."

    "And why not?"

    "Because I never had a pen and paper to use!"

    "Well, did you ask for a pen and paper?"

    "Yes.  And your guard said I had to fill out a kite!"

    "Did you?"

    "No!  There was no kite to fill out!  Your guard said they were out of kites and pens to fill them out!  If I had a kite and a pen to use to request a pen and paper so as to comply with your order, ---"

    "I've heard enough!"  The black robed terrorist addressed the masked terrorist who led that judge into the room from the cell.  "Were you the guard who had custody of this judge last night?"

    "Yes sir!  We had pen and paper for the judge to use."

    "Thank you."

     The black robed terrorist returned his attention to the hostage judge.  "This Court gave you a very simple order.  Supply six samples of your signature so we can compare with the signature on that Amunrud decision, and verify that you actually signed it!  I find your explanation as to why you failed to comply with this order to be not credible.  I find credible the guard's testimony that you had such materials available.  I find you in contempt!  You will purge your contempt by supplying this Court with six signatures, in ink, at the next hearing scheduled for tomorrow!  Believe me, you do not want to come to tomorrow's hearing without those six signatures."

 

    Here is the latest on the judge kidnapping in Seattle.  Authorities have lost all contact with the terrorists who hold the hostage.  An eerie cone of silence has descended from the hostage takers.  Police insist that they are hot on the trail of these kidnappers, but our sources indicate that they have no idea where either the terrorists or the judge are, even if they are still alive.  And now, for the weather we go to . . .

 

    The kidnapped judge was led back into the room where, seated as usual, the masked terrorist wearing the judicial black robe.  "Good morning, Your Honor.  Do we have the six signatures today?"

    "I was given one pint of water.  One pint!  My throat, my whole body, is reeling from thirst and I am given only one pint of water!  For food, I received one roll of bread, the guard said it was two ounces and a quarter.  Clearly insufficient to meet my nutritional needs!"

    "Well, it was Sunday.  You get two ounces and a quarter of bread on Sundays.  You ever read Oliver Twist?"

    The judge's head shook no.

    "No? Well, we're not concerned with that.  I fail to see what your food and water situation has to do with the six signatures."

    "Again, I was told I could not have a pen and paper because I did not fill out a kite requesting a pen and paper.  And then I was told that they were out of kites to fill out, but that they were doing their best to get a new supply in.  Just how hard is it to supply pen and paper?  Items that cost a few dollars at most at a convenience store and less than that at a big box office supply store!"

    "This sounds like the excuse you made yesterday as to why you could not comply with this Court's order that you supply us with six samples of your signature.  I hope you are not showing disrespect to this Court with your repeated attempts at raising a frivolous issue."

        "Look!  I have been kidnapped!  I have been unlawfully imprisoned!"

    "Yes!  And Article I Section 17 of the Washington Constitution prohibits imprisonment for debt except in cases of absconding debtors.  Yet we are more likely to be imprisoned if we show up in court and assert our rights, which of course, is frivolous for us to do!  Article I Section 29 of the Washington Constitution declares that the provisions of this Constitution are mandatory, unless by express words they are declared otherwise.  Yes, Your Honor, we can empathize, we understand, at how you must feel about being unlawfully imprisoned!  But none of that has anything to do with your failure to supply us with the six signatures so we can verify that you actually signed the Amunrud decision."

    "I have been beaten and starved, given only a pint of water since being abducted, and no pen and paper with which to supply your stupid six signatures!  I have no control over whether I have the materials necessary to supply samples of my signature!"

    "You have no control over whether you have a pen and paper?  That is an interesting point, now that you mention it.  You see, we noncustodial parents, you understand, have no control over the job supply.  Quite the contrary, we do not have any control over whether our production and professional work is outsourced.  We have no control over whether a ten grand per year salary buys a hundred grand a year standard of living in India.  We have no control over whether Boeing spends its resources on mergers with Rockwell International and McDonnell Douglas instead of redesigning the 757 and the 767 to make them competitive with the Airbus products.  We have no control over whether Olympia Brewing, which only owned the one brewery in Tumwater, sells itself to Pabst, which owns dozens of breweries all over the nation, who then closes the Tumwater brewery because it can make the beer for a few pennies less a gallon elsewhere.  Or so they say.  We have no control over these things.  Yet neither you nor any of your fellow judges ever gave a rat's ass about that!  So based on such precedent, we don't give a rat's ass about your lack of control over the supply of pen and paper.  You are still in contempt for failure to supply the signatures."

    The terrorist in the black robe slammed the gavel and ordered the judge back into "custody".

 

    "And now we are ready take some calls.  Cassandra, of Bellevue, you're on!"

    "HI there!  I am so honored to be on your show.  A few days ago, one of our state Court of Appeals judges was kidnapped by terrorists.  There was a lot of news on that then, but since then, I have not heard anything about this on the radio, no coverage about this on the television news, local or cable, nothing in the papers.  What happened?  Has the judge been released?  Did they ever ---"

    "Thank you, Cassandra.  Next caller.  Clark, of Kent, you're on!"

 

    The hostage judge was led back into the makeshift "courtroom".  A different person, a masked woman, was seated at the altar wearing a judicial black robe.  "Good morning, Your Honor.  How have you been?"

    "How do you think!  I am being held prisoner.  I was moved to a different room, this one had a stainless steel toilet.  They gave me a quart of water and two sack lunches with baloney and cheese sandwiches, each made with white bread, a carton of flat tasting fruit juice in each, and a small rock hard apple.  I'm still freaking hungry and the quart of water and cartons of fruit juice were not enough for my thirst!  Why are you, a woman, here?"

    "I lost custody of my kids in the divorce.  It sometimes happens to women.  I had some problems and was at a rehab place in Selah on a 60 day program when my husband got a pair of fancy attorneys and filed for divorce.  Nothing I could do about it until it was too late.  But none of that is relevant here.  I understand you are moving to modify the order because you cannot comply with it?"

    "Well, yeah!  Here I am ordered to sign my name six times so you can compare my new signatures with my signature on the Amunrud decision.  I already told you guys that, yes, I signed that decision.  Why you need new samples of my signature is beyond me.  But at no time have I had any pens and paper with which to sign my name, therefore, I cannot comply with your order."

    "I see.  Has there been any significant changes in circumstances since you were ordered to provide six samples of your signature?"

    "Changes in circumstances?  What do you mean?"

    "Well, obviously, to sign your name, you need a pen and paper.  At the time you were ordered to provide these signatures, it was presumed that you were able to provide these signatures and you gave no evidence to the contrary."

    "I told that judge, wait a minute, what am I saying?  I told the other guy that I would need a pen and paper to comply with his order and expressed my concern that I might not be supplied with such."

    "Yes, but your concern was at that time speculative.  You had no knowledge, personal or otherwise, that you would not have a pen and paper with which to supply the signatures.  Therefore, no evidence was provided this Court that you would be unable to comply with such a patently reasonable order."

    "All right!  Now we're getting somewhere.  The change in circumstances is that since then, I was locked up without any pen and paper and none were supplied to me when I requested such.  I was given the runaround by the guards.  A bunch of crap about having to fill out a kite, a small piece of paper, to request a pen and paper, of which there were none.  The next two times I appeared before the other guy, I had personal knowledge of these facts, and therefore was able to give evidence of such lack of materials necessary to comply with the order."

    "If this was the first time that you are pleading such facts, specifically the unavailability of pen and paper with which to sign your name, I could modify the order or make other such order that would provide that you be supplied with a pen and paper so as to enable your compliance with the order.  IF, I found your testimony as to facts credible.  The problem is, you testified as to these facts to the other judge.  You already had an opportunity to plead unavailability of pen and paper, so there is no lack of due process there.  The other judge, however, did not find your testimony to be credible. He had substantial evidence to support his findings in the testimony of the guard who said you had pen and paper available. He subsequently found that your claim of lack of control over the supply of pen and paper irrelevant because he did not find your testimony as to the actual absence of these materials credible."

    Silence.

    The female terrorist in the black robe began again.  "I am without power to alter a finding of fact already made by a trier of fact.  Because I have to accept that determination, I thus have to conclude that even if you are now unable to comply with the order to sign your name six times, you were able to then and you have no valid excuse for not doing so.  And even if I accept your testimony to be credible, reversing the other judge's findings of fact, and his determination of the credibility or lack of credibility of the witnesses before him, you are testifying that there was no significant change in the relevant circumstances, which is the availability or lack of availability of pen and paper.  In either event, I am without authority to modify the order."

    The hostage judge sneered.  "The only change in circumstances was that I was moved to a cell with a toilet and finally provided with a decent amount of food and water."

    "In that case, your circumstances, and therefore ability to comply with the order, are improved.  I shall modify the order to require that you supply eight samples of your signature."

    The female terrorist banged her gavel and the judge was led away.

 

   

    We do NOT advocate any violence or illegal activity of any kind, but then again, conspiracy to deny persons the equal protection of the laws and other civil rights is an illegal activity, 18 U.S.C. §241.  We certainly do not advocate kidnapping and tormenting judges with their own logic!

   

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